Content warning: The following narrative contains detailed descriptions of disordered eating behaviors and struggles with body image. These topics may be triggering for individuals who have experienced or are currently dealing with eating disorders. Reader discretion is advised.
I did that thing they do in movies where I placed you in the middle of a story and you almost want to press the rewind button to see if you missed anything. Well I think we have to go way back to around 2013 when I started noticing something was wrong in the first place. I was 16, and I definitely had no idea what polycystic ovarian syndrome was or that could explain why I would have periods that didn't resemble that of my friends or other girls around my age. So I did what any teenager would do, and ignored it.
I've spent the majority of my life on the "overweight" side of the BMI charts, but I was a pretty active person in high school and I was at my lowest weight ever my junior year. And boy did everybody notice.. Only thing they didn't notice was that I wasn't eating, wearing sweatbands even outside of the gym, working out three hours a day and limiting my water intake on weigh in days so that the number on the scale would be where I needed it to be. It wasn't healthy, but I looked "great" and I could finally fit into the straight size section at forever21 and I could finally look into the mirror and not hate the person that was looking back at me... or at least that's what I was supposed to feel?
Losing the weight might've made me look physically "better" but mentally, I was wrecked. I started associating food with all the negative ways people made me feel. Anyone who has at any point lost weight knows exactly what I’m talking about when I say people treat you differently. The “You look great!” comments start pouring in and you realize that people don’t value you as much when you’re fat. And they definitely don’t understand how you could “let yourself go” so quickly when you suddenly gain even more weight back.
Fast forward to 2017, I'm 20 and probably 80 pounds heavier than I was in high school. I couldn’t really explain the weight gain, and although I didn’t know it at the time it had everything to do with the fact that I had untreated insulin resistant pcos. So I finally decided it was time to go to a doctor. Before my official diagnosis, doctors would always tell me that my period would eventually regulate and that it was normal because I was going through puberty. Well I’m 20 at this point, can we really keep thinking it’s just puberty? I saw an OBGYN for the first time in 2017, it was also my first time seeing any doctor besides my pediatrician. I went in hoping for some answers and the only thing I got out of that consultation was that I needed to lose weight. So I tried. I reverted to old habits, but this time, I ate nothing all day, only to binge at night. And so the next nightmare begins…
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, know that you are not alone. Resources and support are available through organizations such as the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) or by calling their helpline at 1-800-931-2237.
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